SPOtastic

Tonight I had the WORST commuting experience in my 5 plus years of living in NY. Worse than the blizzard that shut down the city transit system a couple years back causing me to bribe a cabbie with 50 bucks for a 3 mile trip.

After MD rehearsal, I headed to the E train at 9:15pm. I stood on the platform watching my arms glisten from sweat, because as we all know – it was hot as balls today, which means that subway platforms are as hot as balls tucked inside a moist dirty sock. Fifteen minutes pass and I notice an MTA employee telling people the E train is not running because of flooding. I walk up the stairs trying to figure a way to get to the F train. The 7 train was not running in Manhattan so I decide to take the Shuttle to Bryant Park/5th Ave. Yes I know the shuttle does not go to Bryant Park, but at that point for some reason I thought it did. I realize my mistake at Grand Central. At this point I decide to take the 4/5/6 to Lexington/59th – and from there, according to the subway map there is a passageway to walk to the F on 63rd Street. Well there wasn’t, so I exit the station, walk 4 blocks, stopping for a Grape Gatorade, and descend, what seems like 3 miles, down to the F train. I sit there for about 20 minutes and hear an announcement that the F train is not going into Queens. Balls! So now I must take the F downtown to 34th so I can grab the R train to Roosevelt/Jackson Heights, where I can transfer to the E or F.

I get down to 34th street, purple sweat dripping from my brow, and wait for the R train. Another announcement is made, the R train is will not be going into Queens. Now I must take the N train to Queensboro Plaza, transfer for onto the 7, take that to Roosevelt/Jackson Heights where I can transfer for the E or F and get home.

The N train arrives; I find a seat and start reading a book on dog training. I am really into the book, learning things, feeding the well, excited to get home to Satch so I can tell him how wonderful our relationship is going to be, due to the training techniques and knowledge I am acquiring about ‘pack life.’

Something breaks my concentration.

Hey – the guy sitting adjacent to me, and also FACING me has a Jean Jacket over his lap. Uhm, is his jean jacket moving? I look down and I see a LARGE BLACK COCK, and LARGE BLACK HANDS rubbing the LARGE BLACK COCK.

I leap out of my seat and walk to the end of the car, wanting to vomit. I wish I had called him out on it. If I had it my way the following would have happened.

******************

SPO NOTICES THE COCK, STANDS UP WITH CONFIDENCE AND FACES THE MASTURBATOR.

SPO
Are you seriously masturbating on the N train? Is that what gets you off? A chubby white chick reading a book on Dog Training? You are a SICK FUCKING FUCK. If there was a pasta named after you it would be Sick Fucking Fuckeroni. If you were to have a street named after you it would be Gross Public Cock Rubber Avenue. If there was a national tragedy named after you it would be COCK/11.

GROSS FUCK
Is that a compliment?

SPO
What? No that is not a compliment. I was making a point that your cock has caused a feeling of violation about as powerful as 2 planes crashi...AHHHH, I hate you - you dirty gross fuck. Why do you have a Jean Jacket anyway? It’s 2005 AND 125 degree’s outside.

GROSS FUCK
I use it to cover my cock when I masturbate on the Train.

SPO
Well that makes sense.

SFX – BING BONG (Subway doors opening)

CONDUCTOR
This is Queensboro Plaza, Transfer for the 7 train on the lower level.

SPO
Okay, I gotta go now. Nice meeting you. Wait, no I mean…

SHANNON PULLS OUT A KNIFE AND CARVES A GIANT M ON GROSS FUCK'S FACE.

SPO
That stands for Masturbator, I have labeled you for life.

SHANNON EXITS, BUT TURNS TO LOOK AT GROSS FUCK AND SEES HIM TUG AT HIS FACE, REVEALING HE HAS BEEN WEARING A MASK. HE LIFTS HIS HAT SO HE CAN REMOVE THE MASK, REVEALING HIMSELF AS RICKY SHRODER CIRCA 1985, BUT NOW WITH A BLOODY M ON HIS FOREHEAD.

RICKY SCHRODER
I love you.

THE DOORS CLOSE. SHANNON POUNDS ON THE GLASS. A TEAR FALLS FROM HER EYE.

SPO
I never meant to hurt you.

THE TRAIN STARTS TO PULL OUT OF THE STATION. SPO RUNS ALONG SIDE.

SPO
No! Why? Ricky Why?!?

RICKY SHRODER WINKS. SPO SLOWS DOWN TO A WALK, STOPPING AT THE END OF THE PLATFORM, HER HAND STILL REACHING TOWARD RICKY'S DEPARTED TRAIN.

SPO
Why?

SPO FACES THE CAMERA

SPO
Why is his cock huge and black?

(END)

******************

Well that’s not how it happened. I scurried to the end of the car on the N train, and stood in the doorway, I glanced down at the dude a couple of times to see if anyone else noticed. Then my hand discovered a few wet marks right around the spot that his cock was directly across from. I am hoping I am wrong, dear fucking lord I am hoping my shirt was not touched with pre-ejaculate juice. FOWL, oh my god the sentence previous to the one you are reading now is FOWL. Unfortunately for my own piece of mind I am throwing the shirt out. It was a great shirt too. The front said “Be Bert, Be Ernie. Just Be.” And on the back was a black and white picture of Bert and Ernie posing as if they were in a CK One advertisement, really funny, really 1995.

To make matter worse, as I held back more vomit from the wet spots, a couple gets on the train at the next stop and stands right next to me. The man is wearing a short sleeve button down shirt, the top few buttons are undone, due to the heat, and no undershirt. I get this, its hot – you gotta do what you gotta do. But why did his girlfriend decide to start sucking and nibbling on his sweaty chest hair? Are you fucking Serious NYC? Come the Fuck on!

I’ll wrap this up now because I want to puke. I get to Queensboro Plaza – transfer to the 7 train. I get off at Roosevelt, walk down to the E/F platform. Stand there for about 30 minutes with 100’s of other folks. I walk up a flight to find an MTA guy to see when the trains will be coming, he says they aren’t. No trains are running in or out of that station except the 7 train, which does me no good. I go to the street, call AVM and ask him to pick me up. I grab a slice of pizza that looked worse heated up than it did sitting out.

I finally got home at 1am.