SPOtastic

2 months ago we pulled the old medicine cabinet out of the bathroom wall, and we still have not replaced it. Our neighbor does not have a medicine cabinet in either, there is just a thin piece of corkboard on her side of the wall. Us? A trashbag taped to cover the hole, and prevent her chainsmoking exhale from entering our apt. Needless to say we can hear her in her bathroom when she is hacking up a lung - which is constant - or one time - explosive diarhea.

We haven't really thought about putting a new cabinet in, it's not at the top of our list. (At the top of our list - is Make a List).

Well Friday Morning I got a wake up call of sorts that has put 'replace medicine cabinet' on the list.

It's 5 am. I went to bed 2 hours prior after a doggy poopy pee pee walk. Suddenly I am stirred awake.
What the fuck is that? It sounds like someone is in my apartment.
My heart starts to beat. I hear it again.
Oh my god. My neighbor is having sex in her bathroom, and I can hear it as if she is doing it in my very own bathroom.

Yeah SPO, we ALL have those stories. So what?

Did I mention my neighbor is a Mentally Retarded Woman?

Stakes have been raised!

Also the gentlemen caller has a very distinct way of expressing his 'good time'.

Imagine Kermit the frog's voice in your head. Now pretend its a 40ish year old man doing his voice. Now say 'OH' loud and slow, and repeat it, with about 2 seconds between each 'Oh.' Do this for 10 minutes. Then randomly during this insert these phrases, in the same voice.
"Don't Move. Stop Moving."
"Put the cigarette Down."
"Yeah like that."

Oh and about 5 minutes into this, a Helicopter starts flying low near your apartment building. So you start freaking out that your mentally retarded neighber brought an escaped convict home - because when he said
"I want to fuck you in the mouth" - she heard "I'm gonna love you, and buy you towels"

I was freaked the F- out. My husband slept through the entire thing. At one point, as I clutched the sheets tight to my chin, I whispered a pretty inaudible "are you awake?." Satch (dog) wasn't even stirring. I was the single sufferer of this.

Finally it stopped. But I feared the next morning. Would she and her new friend repeat the noise at 5am Saturday?

I go to bed Friday night around 2.
4:40ish I hear a noise.
Please no. God please no.
"I don't want to do it in the shower" a voice says
"I don't want to do it in the shower" the voice repeats.
Sweet Jesus you pervert why?
My husband is not in bed, I run to the living room to tell him its happening again. I wanted a witness to this insanity, its easier to suffer in twos than alone.

I reach the living room, I hear the voice again - but its actually coming from the TV.
My husband is watching The Andy Milinokis Show.
I confused Andy with that of my mentally retarded neighbor having sex.

I think I just gave Andy his best review yet!

No repeat episodes yet - but if she does get her hole filled, before we fill our hole, I have the camera ready to record sound bites - I will make you all suffer if I can.